Fake Meat, Real Beans

Fake Meat, Real Beans

1/2 lb. vegetarian beef chunks
1 can white beans
1 tbsp. chopped onion
1 tsp. Ms. Dash™ Table Blend

In a medium skillet, heat up some oil and add the spices therewith. Add the "meat," and fry this for 2-3 minutes, then add the beans and onion. Stir this around a bit, and let it simmer for 4-5 minutes. If you buy tasty enough fake meat, its flavors should comingle with the goo that the beans arrive in, creating a plausible sauce-type effect. As for the beef chunks, we recommend the one in the green bag that they sell at the Rasta place down the street. If you can't find that, remember: anything can be meat if you shape it into a wad and color it brown.

Missus Biggleshire’s Bagel ‘n’ Jam

Missus Biggleshire’s Bagel ‘n’ Jam

1 bagel
2 tbsp. strawberry jelly

‘Ello, guv’nor! ‘Ere’s a fine recipe t’ ‘ave wiv yer mornin’ tea – simply toast a bagel and spread it wiv some jam or jelly! Makes a crackin’ item at any breakfast table, or per’aps just when yer too sloshed to get off yer arse and cook up some proper grub. Cheerio!

Italy Comes Alive!

Italy Comes Alive!

1 lb. frozen cheese ravioli
1 green pepper
¼ white onion
1 cup pasta sauce

Boil 4 qts water. Slice up the vegetables into tiny, festive pieces. Drop the ravioli into the water and allow it to cook. In a frying pan, pour in a modicum of vegetable oil and gently fry the vegetables in it. Have your mom make you some pasta sauce, and add that to the pan as well. Stir this in order to achieve an even distribution of elements. When the ravioli appears sufficiently cooked, strain it using a colander and mix it with the sauce/vegetable solution. As they say in Italy, “Penso che ci sia un errore!”

Huevos Del Diablo (with thanks to Shirah Anderson)

Huevos Del Diablo (with thanks to Shirah Anderson)

6 eggs
1 ½ tbsp. mayonnaise
1 tsp. paprika

Hard boil six eggs. Hard boil more if you wish, however, be aware that you will have to multiply the quantities of the other ingredients accordingly, as well as put yourself at risk for future heart disease. Once your eggs are hard boiled, cradle them softly in one hand and gently peel off their shells with the other. Slice them in half the long way. Spoon out their yolks, place the yolks in a bowl, and mix them vigorously with the mayonnaise. Put this mixture into a plastic bag, cut a smallish corner off of this bag, and use it to squeeze even quantities of the mixture into the egg white convexities. Sprinkle with paprika and chill in the fridge. Close your eyes and savor the flavor as the Huevos Del Diablo slide cold and quivering down your throat.

Salmon Slam (not to be confused with Slammin' Salmon)

Salmon Slam (not to be confused with Slammin' Salmon)

½ lb salmon fillet
16 cubic in. tofu
3 tbsp. Lawry Lemon Pepper Marinade

Take the remaining portion of the salmon you bought last week and marinate it in 1 ½ tbsp. Lemon Pepper Marinade. Pour some vegetable oil in a pan on medium heat and place the salmon fillet squarely within it. Fry for approximately 6 minutes. Meanwhile, cut the tofu into manageable, bite-sized portions. Flip the salmon and add the tofu. Cook the salmon an additional 6 minutes and flip the tofu to the best of your ability. Add the remaining Lemon Pepper Marinade, stir until an even coating is achieved on both the salmon and the tofu, and cook an additional 2 minutes. Serve at your earliest convenience.

Cherry Vanilla Wet Tream

Cherry Vanilla Wet Tream

1 pint melted Häagen Dazs Cherry Vanilla ice cream that someone literally just like hands you at a bar
1/2 glass rum (try not to pay for this yourself)
1 glass Coke

Find yourself four (clean) glasses and divvy up four equal portions of all ingredients over ice into said glasses. Stir vigorously with a straw or your finger or something. Serves four. While enjoying this frothy beverage, hold a lively and spirited debate on the most appealing name for the drink, then go with a title a few marks short of that.

Popeye's Fried Shrimp Combo Meal

Popeye's Fried Shrimp Combo Meal

6 dollars
79 cents

Although we here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen love to cook, sometimes it's nice to take a break, get out of the house, and have a tasty meal out for a change. The Popeye's Fried Shrimp Combo Meal includes a biscuit, a medium soda, and your choice of side. Pictured: Fanta and macaroni 'n' cheese. 1320 calories.

Pancake Korner - PB P-Cakes

Pancake Korner – PB P-Cakes

½ cup pancake mix
3/8 cup milk
1 egg
1 tsp. vegetable oil
¼ cup peanut butter chips
1 tbsp peanut butter
1 tsp cinnamon

Mix the mix, milk, egg, and oil in a bowl until nicely blended. We recommend a whisk or fork for this task. Also stir in the peanut butter chips and cinnamon. Heat a pan and grease it with non-stick spray, Pam™ perhaps. Pour a smallish, circular quantity of batter into the pan and let it cook until its surface begins to bubble and the edges become delicately browned, like New England leaves in autumn. Upon achieving this, flip the cake immediately. Continue this process until all batter has been used. Garnish with a dollop of peanut butter, a small handful of peanut butter chips, and drizzle on some maple syrup. Who says eating healthy can't be fun?