Vampire's Lament (with thanks to Heather Blackwell)

Vampire's Lament (with thanks to Heather Blackwell)

4 oz Trader Joe's spinach and chive linguine
18 cubic in tofu
2 cloves garlic
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp salt
1 dash oregano
2 tbsp vegetable oil

Boil 2 cups water upon the stove and add the pasta to the water. Meanwhile, pour the oil into a frying pan, render the garlic into tiny pieces, and disperse the garlic in the oil. Divide the tofu into equally-sized polyhedra and press each piece with a paper towel to remove any excess water. Once the garlic has begun to sizzle, add the tofu to the oil and fry it such that both sides become crisped and golden-brown. This is perhaps a good time to sprinkle it with the garlic powder. When the pasta has achieved a state of firmness which is to your liking, strain it with a colander and mix in the tofu, salt, and oregano. Garlic is the primary element in this dish, renowned for its tastiness, health benefits, and apotropaic properties.

Pancake Korner - Nannercakes

Pancake Korner - Nannercakes

1 cup pancake mix
1/2 cup milk
1 egg
1 tsp oil
1 tsp cinnamon
2-3 bananas

Our second installment to Pancake Korner is a comfort food classic, the Nannercake. Prepare the batter in the standard procedure, wherein the ingredients are thoroughly comingled in a bowl. Slice your bananas into smallish chunklets and mix these into the batter. Somewhat soft and gooey bananas are perhaps suited to this purpose, but may result in a difficult and messy pancake experience. Fry smallish blobs of batter in butter until both sides are crisped and golden brown. Serve immediately with hot coffee and a warm smile.

Standard Quesadilla

Standard Quesadilla

1 flour tortilla
1/4 cup shredded cheese
1 tsp blend of arbitrary spices

We've gotten a lot of mail this week to the tune of, "The TQ intrigues me, but I'm not much for fish. Is there a tuna-free option for me?" This special recipe is just for you, a T-less TQ. Heat up a frying pan and coat the inner surface of it with butter. Sprinke the cheese evenly atop the tortilla, and sprinke your blend of spices throughout the cheese in such a manner that a similarly even distribution is achieved. Feel free to get creative with your spices! Some options we recommend are cumin, tumeric, chili powder, black pepper, and MSG. Fold the tortilla in half along a diameter, and center it within the pan of butter. Fry until both sides are crisped and golden-brown. Once considered the "poor man's grilled cheese," the quesadilla is now recognized as a staple of international cuisine.

The Eel Deal

The Eel Deal

1 precooked fillet of eel
1 cup rice

The eel fish, often stereotyped as a loathsome and slimy creature, is actually magnificently tasty, due to its high fat content and natural barbecue secretions. Prepare the rice in a manner traditionally accepted as suitable for the preparation of rice, i.e. by cooking it. Meanwhile, in a microwave safe dish, microwave the eel fillet on high for three minutes. Place the eel on or near the rice and serve. One bite and you'll agree - the Eel Deal is the real deal.

EMP aka English Muffin Pizza

EMP aka English Muffin Pizza

1 English muffin
2 tbsp. tomato sauce
1/4 cup shredded mozzarella

Split the English muffin such that two roughly equal cylindrical halves are the result. Spread the tomato sauce equally and evenly among the two halves of the muffin, and distribute the mozzarella in a likewise fashion atop the sauce. Add vegetables or other standard pizza topping items according to your tastes. Toast in a toaster oven at 400º until the top is crisped to a degree that it resembles the surface of a conventional pizza. Your friends will marvel at the miniaturized simulacrum of a conventional pizza you have created, and lavish you with praise.

Frijoles Con Chips

Frijoles Con Chips

1 can baked beans
3 oz. corn chips

In a microwave safe bowl, heat the beans for 3 minutes. Pulverize 1-2 oz. of chips with a mortar and pestle or your fist and mix them into the beans. Use the remaining chips to scoop the beans from the bowl and deliver them to your mouth. This quick 'n' easy fiesta classic is always a hit, and a popular staple of Mexican Superbowl parties.

Pancake Korner - Chocolate Chip

Pancake Korner - Chocolate Chip

1/2 cup pancake mix
3/8 cup milk
1/2 tsp oil
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 egg
1/2 chocolate bar

We here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen love pancakes. They're fast, easy, fun, and nutritious. This is the first entry into our ongoing Pancake Korner series - the classic chocolate chip. Our special secret ingredient is cinnamon, a delicious spice made from the bark of the cinnamon tree, which is native to the nation of Sri Lanka. In a reasonably sized mixing bowl, combine the pancake mix, milk, oil, cinnamon, and egg, and stir heartily. Do not dismay if the batter has lumps in it - these will add a measure of fluffiness which is characteristic of the pancake. Break the chocolate bar into tiny pieces and stir these into the mixture as well. Coat the inside of a frying pan in butter, and pour a disk of batter into its center such that an approximately four inch diameter is the result. When bubbles begin to appear on the pancake's surface and its sides display a visible darkening of color, it's time to flip. A spatula is the standard tool for this task. Continue this procedure until all batter has been utilized. Best enjoyed with butter or syrup, the pancake is a versatile breakfast favorite that never fails to delight.

Khrushchev's AzN Vacation (with thanks to Nicole Savoy)

Khrushchev's AzN Vacation (with thanks to Nicole Savoy)

1 cup green tea
1-2 shots vodka
1-2 slices of lemon

Brew the green tea according to your tastes, and allow to cool. Add the vodka, lemon slices, and some ice. Sip this stimulating blend of cultures and contemplate the centuries of political turmoil that have coalesced into this refreshing, summery beverage. Goes great with the Tokyo Ramen Knockout.

Tokyo Ramen Knockout

Tokyo Ramen Knockout

1 pkg. ramen noodles (we recommend "Oriental Flavor")
1/2 cup dried shiitake mushrooms
1/4 cup broccoli
1 carrot

Bring 3 cups water to a boil, add the mushrooms and boil for 3 minutes. Cut up the broccoli and carrot into manageable chunklets. Add the ramen noodle brick and vegetables, and boil for 3 minutes. Let simmer until the desireable ratio of liquid to solid elements has been achieved, and add the flavoring packet inlcuded with the ramen noodles. Stir and serve. Inspired by classic Japanese ramen dishes, this flavorful and inexpensive meal is sure to fortify your day with vitamins and memories.

TQ aka Tuna Quesadilla

TQ aka Tuna Quesadilla

1 flour tortilla
1 can tuna
2 tbsp mayonnaise
1 tsp Old Bay Seasoning
1/4 cup shredded cheese

In a suitably sized mixing bowl, thorougly blend the tuna, mayonnaise, seasoning, and cheese together. Select a cheese which has historically proven itself to delight your palate, or experiment with something new. We recommend "taco blend." Spread this evenly across one side of the tortilla, and fold once along a diameter. Fry this in a thorougly buttered pan, until both sides of its surface are crisped and golden-brown. Enjoy this treat on a cool summer's day, close your eyes, and let its comingling of flavors carry you away to the exotic Mexican seashore.

Michigan Sunset (with thanks to Willie Wayne Smith)

Michigan Sunset (with thanks to Willie Wayne Smith)

1/2 cup coffee
1/2 cup gin

Pour over ice, garnish as desired, and sip dolefully. Successful in both stimulating and inebriating the senses, this evocative drink is somewhat more potable than one might think.

Trouble In Dallas

Trouble In Dallas

1 egg
1 cup white rice
A dash of tumeric
A dash of chili powder
A dash of black pepper
A dash of Sriracha

Cook the rice in a vessel suited to the purpose. Fry the egg sunny-side up, being diligently mindful not to break the yolk, as this will add a measure of gooiness to an otherwise dry dish. Mix the spices in the rice, and set the egg jauntily atop it. Sprinkle Sriracha in a balanced and even manner atop the egg. Layers of spiciness combined with a general absence of other flavors will make this a challenging dish for some, but highly rewarding for the adventurous.

The Fancy Elvis

The Fancy Elvis

1 flour tortilla
1-2 bananas
1-2 tbsp. peanut butter
1 tsp. cinnamon

Cover the bottom of a frying pan in vegetable oil and add cinnamon. For added sweetness, try brown sugar instead. Slice your banana(s) into 1/2" cylindrical portions and fry them in the oil/cinnamon mixture, until they are soft and gooey. Spread the peanut butter evenly in the center of your tortilla, and set the bananas atop the peanut butter. Fold your banana in the manner of a burrito, and fry this in butter such that the shell becomes crisped and golden-brown. Upon repeated eatings, this delightful breakfast item is certain to render you portly in no time at all.

Huevos Arriba

Huevos Arriba

1 egg
1 English muffin
1 tbsp. salsa
A dash of Sriracha

Toast the Engish muffin in the standard manner, and fry the egg to your pleasing. Shape the egg in the pan such that it fits squarely within the boundaries of the English muffin, and place it thusly in the center of said muffin. Add the salsa, and if extra spiciness is your desire, the Sriracha. A fun and festive snack suitable for any time of day.