Soviet Streetwalker

Soviet Streetwalker

3 oz vodka
6 oz diet 7-Up

Pour contents over ice and mix thoroughly. A zippy drink to help you survive the blistering cold of melancholy Russian street corners.

The Eggy Beaner

The Eggy Beaner

2 slices bread
1 can baked beans
1 egg

Microwave the beans on high in a microwave safe container for two and a half minutes. Fry the egg according to your personal style. Heat the bread until it converts to its toast form. Heap the beans onto the bread, and set the egg jauntily atop them. Pending verification, we here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen assume that this is what the British eat for nearly every meal.

Pita Pizza (with thanks to Heather Blackwell)

Pita Pizza (with thanks to Heather Blackwell)

1 flour tortilla
1 tbsp tomato sauce
2 oz shredded mozzarella
4 cubic in tofu
2 small sprigs broccoli
2 small red peppers

This recipe is submitted by our lighting technician here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen, Heather Blackwell. Simply apply an even coating of sauce upon the tortilla, cut the tofu and peppers into tiny chunklets, break the broccoli into similarly-sized spriglets, and spread all ingredients evenly throughout the sauce. Toast in a toaster oven at 400º for 10 minutes or whenever the cheese has achieved a state of satisfactory gooiness and the tortilla has become lightly crisped at its edges. This healthy and quick snack is great for any time of day, or if you prefer, it can be the only thing you ever eat, like three times a day or more every single day of the week with maybe a spoonful of peanut butter here and there to break up the monotony and add some extra protein to your diet or whatever.

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time Peanut Butter Jelly Time

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time Peanut Butter Jelly Time

2 slices bread
2 tsp peanut butter
2 tsp jelly

A classic favorite packed in school lunches across America, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich never fails to satisfy. Simply spread the peanut butter upon one slice of bread, the jelly upon the other, and press them firmly together. Slice crosswise or diagonal, according to the popular style of the times. Cut off the crusts and serve with a cool glass of milk for added nostalgia.

Nopales? No Problem!

Nopales? No Problem!

1 large cactus leaf
3 eggs
1/2 cup milk
A dash of baking soda
Salt and pepper

The nopal cactus leaf, also known as Indian Fig Opuntia and prickly pear, is cultivated and eaten in many parts of the world, and is making its debut in the Three Minute Kitchen. Fresh cactus leaf will probably still have some spines on it, and these can be easily removed by scrubbing the surface of the leaf with a standard kitchen scrubbing pad. Once you are convinced that there are no more hazardous spines to lacerate the tender flesh of your mouth, slice the cactus into french-fry-like pieces. Toss these into a pot and cover with cold water. Bring the water to a boil, lower the heat, and simmer for 10 or so minutes. Add a dash of baking soda towards the end of the simmering interval to help extract the unpleasant slime from inside the cactus. Use a colander to drain. Meanwhile, crack three eggs into a bowl and mix thoroughly with milk. Butter a frying pan and pour both the egg/milk mixture and the cactus into the pan. Stir regularly, scrambling the eggs with the cactus pieces. Salt and pepper to taste. A hearty breakfast for those who enjoy flavorless mouthfuls of slime.

Toast Deluxe

Toast Deluxe

2 slices bread
2 tbsp peanut butter
2 tsp honey

Toast the toast in the standard fashion of the times. Drizzle the one half of the allotted quantity of honey upon the toast. Spread the peanut butter, distributed evenly, between the two slices of toast. Drizzle the remaining honey atop the peanut butter, careful to maintain a balanced honey ratio between the two slices. The blend of sugars, saturated fats, and gluten in this snack is sure to make it a 'comfort food' favorite, particularly among breakfast-enthusiasts who are not the 'go-getter' type.

Cap'n Crabuluxe's High Seas Salad

Cap'n Crabuluxe's High Seas Salad

1 lb imitation crab meat
3 tbsp mayonnaise
2 tsp Old Bay Seasoning
2 stalks celery
2 stalks scallions

Arr matey! Haul anchor and prepare for tasty adventure on the high seas! Chop yer vegetables finely and break the crab into bite-size chunklets. Toss these things in a mixing bowl from the galley and add yer mayonnaise and spices, stirring torrentially like the stormy sea. This delicious salad ought keep a mutinous crew at bay, and the vegetables'll help yer men fight off the threat of scurvy fer another day. Serve with grog.

The I-Need-To-Go-Grocery-Shopping Sandwich

The I-Need-To-Go-Grocery-Shopping Sandwich

1 egg
2 slices bread
The remnants at the bottom of a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese
A dash of Sriracha

Toast the bread according to your unique and personal taste. Fry the egg in butter, breaking the yolk and using a spatula to form the egg into a rougly bread-sized unit. Set the egg upon one slice of toast and sprinke the mozzarella atop it. Microwave for 20 seconds in order to melt the cheese. Add the Sriracha and serve. A handy snack to stave off hunger for one more day, this sandwich is packed with the protein and carbohydrates you need to work up the energy to walk two blocks to the grocery store so you can maybe start eating some goddamn real food again.

Sweet Potato Chips feat. Cinnamon

Sweet Potato* Chips feat. Cinnamon

1 sweet potato
1 tsp cinnamon

Slice a sweet potato crosswise into many disk-shaped slices as thin as you can make them without compromising their structural integrity. Coat them thoroughly with Pam® and sprinkle the cinnamon upon them. Mix them around a bit to achieve a relatively even coating of Pam® and cinnamon. Spread the slices evenly in a pan and bake in a toaster oven on 400º for 25 minutes, flipping once. Once a favorite food of the American south, the sweet potato has fallen somewhat out of favor due to its concomitant association with the Great Depression. However, there's nothing depressing about its vitamin-richness and high fiber content!


*N.B. Sweet potatoes and yams are not the same thing. Please do not call it a yam.

Breakfast Gone Wild

Breakfast Gone Wild

3 eggs
1 tomato
1/2 cup spinach
1 oz mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup milk
2 slices wheat bread

Stir the eggs and the milk together so thoroughly that they become an irreducible aggregate, wholly indistinct from one another. Butter a frying pan with an equal measure of thoroughness. Slice up the tomato and spinach into tiny pieces. Pour the egg/milk mixture into the pan, and heat on medium until the egg/milk mixture begins to solidify. Distribute the tomato, spinach, and cheese evenly atop the surface of the egg/milk mixture, and very carefully use a spatula to flip one side of the egg/milk disk along a diameter such that a half-circle is created, enveloping the tomato, spinach, and cheese entirely within*. When you feel that one side of the omelette is sufficiently heated, flip it over and continue to cook until all of the egg/milk mixture has solidified. Meanwhile, toast two slices of bread** and serve.

*N.B. For a proper "Breakfast Gone Wild," be sure to use at least twice the amount of tomato and spinach that will plausibly fit inside your egg/milk half-circle. The recommended amounts are sufficient for this purpose. This will allow for a difficult and unflippable mess that will truly "go wild" and resist any attempts at taming. For a more conventional "Standard Omelette," cut the tomato and spinach measurements in half.

**Another crucial element in a true "Breakfast Gone Wild" is toast that has been severely blackened, almost to the point of inedibility.

Tokyo Tofu Showdowm

Tokyo Tofu Showdown

1 pkg udon noodles with soup base
8 cubic in tofu
1 clove garlic
4 mini peppers
1 slice red onion
2 oz dried shiitake mushrooms

For fans of the Tokyo Ramen Knockout comes another exciting soup dish from the Far East. Boil three cups water and add the mushrooms, so as to hydrate them sufficiently. Meanwhile, cut the tofu, garlic, peppers, and onion into manageable chunklets and add them to the water along with the udon noodles. Boil these elements for three minutes and add the soup base packet included with the noodles. Stir thoroughly and prepare yourself for a showdown of flavors in every spoonful.

Two Buns And A Plum

Two Buns And A Plum

2 microwaveable bean paste buns
1 plum

Microwave the buns on a dish according to the directions on the package. Set the plum near the buns on the dish. Serve with tea if you're into that sort of thing.

Islandville, USA

Islandville, USA

4 oz coconut juice
4 oz mango juice
2 oz vodka
2 tbsp mango sorbet

Just in time for summer barbeques, this fun drink is sure to take any party to unforseen heights of relaxation. Simply mix all the ingredients in a glass, stir with a finger or small branch, garnish as desired, and serve. You'll find that the drink becomes even tastier as the sorbet melts, and its tropical flavors paint an island sunset in your mouth.