Ding Ding! Dinner Time!

Ding Ding! Dinner Time!

6 cu in tofu
1/2 red bell pepper
3 tbsp duck sauce
1 cup white rice
1 clove garlic

The red bell pepper, native to the Americas, is so named for the rich, bell-like sound produced when struck by a spoon or similar instrument. This dish is composed to foreground and complement its similarly rich and bell-like flavor. Cut the pepper half into reasonably-sized bits & pieces. Do likewise for the tofu. Chop the garlic into the smallest pieces you can without endangering yourself or others. Cook the rice with an equal (1 cup) amount of water in a cooker suited for such a task. Toss the garlic, tofu, and peppers into a frying pan that you have lubricated with some vegetable or olive (it bears mentioning that the olive is not a vegetable, so this is no redundancy of terms) oil. Sauté these things until they appear delicious. Pile them atop the rice, add the duck sauce, stir gently, and enjoy. Historical fact: centuries before the invention of carillons, monks would ring arrangements of differently-sized bell peppers, the sound of which would echo far and wide throughout the countryside.

Late Nite Dumpster Monster

Late Nite Dumpster Monster

1 croissant
2 eggs
2 units Goya quartered & marinated artichoke hearts
1/2 cup mozzarella cheese
salt & pepper to taste

Fry the eggs in a smallish pan to achieve a patty- or puck-like shape that can be slipped neatly between a halved croissant. Place the egg-puck on one half of the croissant, break apart and spread the artichoke hearts upon the other half, and sprinkle both halves with cheese, evenly distributed. Sprinkle salt and pepper at your discretion. Put this object in a toaster oven until the cheese has melted. This complexly-flavored, protein- and nutrient-rich delite is the culmination of decades of intensive research into the advanced intricacies of molecular gastronomy.

A Grapefruit

A Grapefruit

1 grapefruit

Grapefruit, the primary ingredient in this dish, is often maligned due to its bitter taste. However, the bitterness comes not from the fruit itself, but from the wretched white rind that surrounds it. Numerous techniques exist to separate the fruit from the rind, and we'd like to help you discover one that suits your breakfast habits. In order to properly peel a grapefruit, simply log on to youtube.com, enter the term 'how to peel a grapefruit' in the search bar, and select a video that appeals to you. Follow its instructions carefully, and voilà! A perfectly peeled grapefruit.

JA3MK2K10 Celebration Oatmeal

JA3MK2K10 Celebration Oatmeal

3 oz oatmeal
1/8 cup raisins
1 tbsp cinnamon
1 tsp honey

Greetings, friends! We here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen apologize for the long hiatus - our staff has been traveling the world to bring you new & exciting culinary techniques that you can use in your own kitchen. To start things off, here's an exciting variation on an old favorite. Boil some water, and add it to the oatmeal. Also add some raisins*, the cinnamon, and a generous drizzle of honey. Add paper umbrella to taste.

*Protip: to save time and money, buy the oatmeal that comes with the raisins already in it.

Fake Meat, Real Beans

Fake Meat, Real Beans

1/2 lb. vegetarian beef chunks
1 can white beans
1 tbsp. chopped onion
1 tsp. Ms. Dash™ Table Blend

In a medium skillet, heat up some oil and add the spices therewith. Add the "meat," and fry this for 2-3 minutes, then add the beans and onion. Stir this around a bit, and let it simmer for 4-5 minutes. If you buy tasty enough fake meat, its flavors should comingle with the goo that the beans arrive in, creating a plausible sauce-type effect. As for the beef chunks, we recommend the one in the green bag that they sell at the Rasta place down the street. If you can't find that, remember: anything can be meat if you shape it into a wad and color it brown.

Missus Biggleshire’s Bagel ‘n’ Jam

Missus Biggleshire’s Bagel ‘n’ Jam

1 bagel
2 tbsp. strawberry jelly

‘Ello, guv’nor! ‘Ere’s a fine recipe t’ ‘ave wiv yer mornin’ tea – simply toast a bagel and spread it wiv some jam or jelly! Makes a crackin’ item at any breakfast table, or per’aps just when yer too sloshed to get off yer arse and cook up some proper grub. Cheerio!

Italy Comes Alive!

Italy Comes Alive!

1 lb. frozen cheese ravioli
1 green pepper
¼ white onion
1 cup pasta sauce

Boil 4 qts water. Slice up the vegetables into tiny, festive pieces. Drop the ravioli into the water and allow it to cook. In a frying pan, pour in a modicum of vegetable oil and gently fry the vegetables in it. Have your mom make you some pasta sauce, and add that to the pan as well. Stir this in order to achieve an even distribution of elements. When the ravioli appears sufficiently cooked, strain it using a colander and mix it with the sauce/vegetable solution. As they say in Italy, “Penso che ci sia un errore!”