Fake Meat, Real Beans

Fake Meat, Real Beans

1/2 lb. vegetarian beef chunks
1 can white beans
1 tbsp. chopped onion
1 tsp. Ms. Dash™ Table Blend

In a medium skillet, heat up some oil and add the spices therewith. Add the "meat," and fry this for 2-3 minutes, then add the beans and onion. Stir this around a bit, and let it simmer for 4-5 minutes. If you buy tasty enough fake meat, its flavors should comingle with the goo that the beans arrive in, creating a plausible sauce-type effect. As for the beef chunks, we recommend the one in the green bag that they sell at the Rasta place down the street. If you can't find that, remember: anything can be meat if you shape it into a wad and color it brown.

Missus Biggleshire’s Bagel ‘n’ Jam

Missus Biggleshire’s Bagel ‘n’ Jam

1 bagel
2 tbsp. strawberry jelly

‘Ello, guv’nor! ‘Ere’s a fine recipe t’ ‘ave wiv yer mornin’ tea – simply toast a bagel and spread it wiv some jam or jelly! Makes a crackin’ item at any breakfast table, or per’aps just when yer too sloshed to get off yer arse and cook up some proper grub. Cheerio!

Italy Comes Alive!

Italy Comes Alive!

1 lb. frozen cheese ravioli
1 green pepper
¼ white onion
1 cup pasta sauce

Boil 4 qts water. Slice up the vegetables into tiny, festive pieces. Drop the ravioli into the water and allow it to cook. In a frying pan, pour in a modicum of vegetable oil and gently fry the vegetables in it. Have your mom make you some pasta sauce, and add that to the pan as well. Stir this in order to achieve an even distribution of elements. When the ravioli appears sufficiently cooked, strain it using a colander and mix it with the sauce/vegetable solution. As they say in Italy, “Penso che ci sia un errore!”

Huevos Del Diablo (with thanks to Shirah Anderson)

Huevos Del Diablo (with thanks to Shirah Anderson)

6 eggs
1 ½ tbsp. mayonnaise
1 tsp. paprika

Hard boil six eggs. Hard boil more if you wish, however, be aware that you will have to multiply the quantities of the other ingredients accordingly, as well as put yourself at risk for future heart disease. Once your eggs are hard boiled, cradle them softly in one hand and gently peel off their shells with the other. Slice them in half the long way. Spoon out their yolks, place the yolks in a bowl, and mix them vigorously with the mayonnaise. Put this mixture into a plastic bag, cut a smallish corner off of this bag, and use it to squeeze even quantities of the mixture into the egg white convexities. Sprinkle with paprika and chill in the fridge. Close your eyes and savor the flavor as the Huevos Del Diablo slide cold and quivering down your throat.

Salmon Slam (not to be confused with Slammin' Salmon)

Salmon Slam (not to be confused with Slammin' Salmon)

½ lb salmon fillet
16 cubic in. tofu
3 tbsp. Lawry Lemon Pepper Marinade

Take the remaining portion of the salmon you bought last week and marinate it in 1 ½ tbsp. Lemon Pepper Marinade. Pour some vegetable oil in a pan on medium heat and place the salmon fillet squarely within it. Fry for approximately 6 minutes. Meanwhile, cut the tofu into manageable, bite-sized portions. Flip the salmon and add the tofu. Cook the salmon an additional 6 minutes and flip the tofu to the best of your ability. Add the remaining Lemon Pepper Marinade, stir until an even coating is achieved on both the salmon and the tofu, and cook an additional 2 minutes. Serve at your earliest convenience.

Cherry Vanilla Wet Tream

Cherry Vanilla Wet Tream

1 pint melted Häagen Dazs Cherry Vanilla ice cream that someone literally just like hands you at a bar
1/2 glass rum (try not to pay for this yourself)
1 glass Coke

Find yourself four (clean) glasses and divvy up four equal portions of all ingredients over ice into said glasses. Stir vigorously with a straw or your finger or something. Serves four. While enjoying this frothy beverage, hold a lively and spirited debate on the most appealing name for the drink, then go with a title a few marks short of that.

Popeye's Fried Shrimp Combo Meal

Popeye's Fried Shrimp Combo Meal

6 dollars
79 cents

Although we here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen love to cook, sometimes it's nice to take a break, get out of the house, and have a tasty meal out for a change. The Popeye's Fried Shrimp Combo Meal includes a biscuit, a medium soda, and your choice of side. Pictured: Fanta and macaroni 'n' cheese. 1320 calories.

Pancake Korner - PB P-Cakes

Pancake Korner – PB P-Cakes

½ cup pancake mix
3/8 cup milk
1 egg
1 tsp. vegetable oil
¼ cup peanut butter chips
1 tbsp peanut butter
1 tsp cinnamon

Mix the mix, milk, egg, and oil in a bowl until nicely blended. We recommend a whisk or fork for this task. Also stir in the peanut butter chips and cinnamon. Heat a pan and grease it with non-stick spray, Pam™ perhaps. Pour a smallish, circular quantity of batter into the pan and let it cook until its surface begins to bubble and the edges become delicately browned, like New England leaves in autumn. Upon achieving this, flip the cake immediately. Continue this process until all batter has been used. Garnish with a dollop of peanut butter, a small handful of peanut butter chips, and drizzle on some maple syrup. Who says eating healthy can't be fun?

Slammin' Salmon

Slammin' Salmon

1/2 lb. salmon
3 tbsp. Lawry Lemon Pepper Marinade
1/2 cup frozen vegetables

Select a salmon fillet according to your current socio-environmental ideals. Place it in a ziploc bag and add one half of the given quantity of marinade. Marinate in the fridge for 30+ minutes. Preheat the oven to 350º. Use a microwave to unfreeze the vegetables. Wrap the fully marinated salmon in tinfoil and bake in the oven for 20 minutes. Stir-fry the vegetables in oil. Place the salmon and vegetables together on a plate and drizzle on the remaining quantity of marinade. This light and summery meal was inspired by numerous trips to the IKEA cafeteria.

Basic Nachos

Basic Nachos

6-8 oz chips
3 oz shredded cheese

Perhaps the king of junk food, nachos have been around since the institution of spectator sports. Set the chips evenly upon a plate and sprinkle the cheese upon them, giving each chip equal care and attention. Microwave for 20 seconds on HIGH, or until the cheese is fully melted. For extra kickiness, add some spices from your cabinet - and for fun surprises, don't look at the labels of your spices until after you put them on your nachos.

Mister Sandwich

Mister Sandwich

1/2 hass avocado
1 Boca Flame Grilled Meatless Burger pattie
1/4 cup mozzarella cheese
1 oz artichoke hearts
2 slices bread

Microwave the burger pattie on HIGH for 1.5 minutes. Meanwhile, render the avocado into flat slices. Place the heated pattie on a bread slice and the artichoke leaves on the other slice. Sprinkle the cheese evenly upon the pattie and artichoke and microwave for 30 seconds, or enough to melt the cheese. Set the artichokes upon the cheese in a balanced manner, and close the sandwich. The admittedly confused combination of elements in this sandwich operate in surprising harmony with one another. If you are at a loss as to what to do with your remaining avocado half, simply throw it out.

The Vacationer's Breakfast

The Vacationer's Breakfast

2 slices bread
2 eggs
2 slices American cheese
1/2 cup fresh fruit
1/4 cup milk

While we here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen take occasional vacations, we never take vacations from preparing exciting meals. Toast the bread in the standard manner. Break the eggs into a modestly sized bowl and stir them vigorously with the milk until an even, goopy consistency is achieved. Butter a frying pan and pour the egg/milk mixture into it. When bubbles begin to form upon its surface and its edges become delicately crisped, break up the slices of cheese and distribute them evenly upon one half of the egg/milk disc. Using a spatula, flip the un-cheesed side of the egg/milk disc onto the cheesed side, creating a half circle. Continue to fry until the cheese has melted. To prepare the fruit, simply find a bowl of fruit in the fridge that someone else has already cut up and portion yourself a serving. This hearty breakfast is best served after a vigorous swim in the beastly Atlantic.

Vaguely Asian Peanut Tofu Pasta

Vaguely Asian Peanut Tofu Pasta

4 oz Trader Joe's spinach linguine
3 oz frozen mixed vegetables
24 cubic inches tofu
3 tsp Asian Gourmet™ Thai Peanut Sauce

In a medium saucepan, bring 2 cups water to a boil and add the vegetables and pasta. Meanwhile, slice the tofu into bite-sized tofu-units and fry these in a frying pan with a reasonable amount of vegetable oil. When you feel that the pasta and vegetables are fully cooked to your satisfaction, strain with a colander and add them to the tofu. Lower the heat and stir in peanut sauce. Serve in a bowl or dish. This is a fun and healthy meal which does not compromise on flavor, due to the spiciness of the Asian Gourmet™ Thai Peanut Sauce, as well as its high sodium and saturated fat levels.

Soviet Streetwalker

Soviet Streetwalker

3 oz vodka
6 oz diet 7-Up

Pour contents over ice and mix thoroughly. A zippy drink to help you survive the blistering cold of melancholy Russian street corners.

The Eggy Beaner

The Eggy Beaner

2 slices bread
1 can baked beans
1 egg

Microwave the beans on high in a microwave safe container for two and a half minutes. Fry the egg according to your personal style. Heat the bread until it converts to its toast form. Heap the beans onto the bread, and set the egg jauntily atop them. Pending verification, we here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen assume that this is what the British eat for nearly every meal.

Pita Pizza (with thanks to Heather Blackwell)

Pita Pizza (with thanks to Heather Blackwell)

1 flour tortilla
1 tbsp tomato sauce
2 oz shredded mozzarella
4 cubic in tofu
2 small sprigs broccoli
2 small red peppers

This recipe is submitted by our lighting technician here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen, Heather Blackwell. Simply apply an even coating of sauce upon the tortilla, cut the tofu and peppers into tiny chunklets, break the broccoli into similarly-sized spriglets, and spread all ingredients evenly throughout the sauce. Toast in a toaster oven at 400º for 10 minutes or whenever the cheese has achieved a state of satisfactory gooiness and the tortilla has become lightly crisped at its edges. This healthy and quick snack is great for any time of day, or if you prefer, it can be the only thing you ever eat, like three times a day or more every single day of the week with maybe a spoonful of peanut butter here and there to break up the monotony and add some extra protein to your diet or whatever.

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time Peanut Butter Jelly Time

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time Peanut Butter Jelly Time

2 slices bread
2 tsp peanut butter
2 tsp jelly

A classic favorite packed in school lunches across America, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich never fails to satisfy. Simply spread the peanut butter upon one slice of bread, the jelly upon the other, and press them firmly together. Slice crosswise or diagonal, according to the popular style of the times. Cut off the crusts and serve with a cool glass of milk for added nostalgia.

Nopales? No Problem!

Nopales? No Problem!

1 large cactus leaf
3 eggs
1/2 cup milk
A dash of baking soda
Salt and pepper

The nopal cactus leaf, also known as Indian Fig Opuntia and prickly pear, is cultivated and eaten in many parts of the world, and is making its debut in the Three Minute Kitchen. Fresh cactus leaf will probably still have some spines on it, and these can be easily removed by scrubbing the surface of the leaf with a standard kitchen scrubbing pad. Once you are convinced that there are no more hazardous spines to lacerate the tender flesh of your mouth, slice the cactus into french-fry-like pieces. Toss these into a pot and cover with cold water. Bring the water to a boil, lower the heat, and simmer for 10 or so minutes. Add a dash of baking soda towards the end of the simmering interval to help extract the unpleasant slime from inside the cactus. Use a colander to drain. Meanwhile, crack three eggs into a bowl and mix thoroughly with milk. Butter a frying pan and pour both the egg/milk mixture and the cactus into the pan. Stir regularly, scrambling the eggs with the cactus pieces. Salt and pepper to taste. A hearty breakfast for those who enjoy flavorless mouthfuls of slime.

Toast Deluxe

Toast Deluxe

2 slices bread
2 tbsp peanut butter
2 tsp honey

Toast the toast in the standard fashion of the times. Drizzle the one half of the allotted quantity of honey upon the toast. Spread the peanut butter, distributed evenly, between the two slices of toast. Drizzle the remaining honey atop the peanut butter, careful to maintain a balanced honey ratio between the two slices. The blend of sugars, saturated fats, and gluten in this snack is sure to make it a 'comfort food' favorite, particularly among breakfast-enthusiasts who are not the 'go-getter' type.

Cap'n Crabuluxe's High Seas Salad

Cap'n Crabuluxe's High Seas Salad

1 lb imitation crab meat
3 tbsp mayonnaise
2 tsp Old Bay Seasoning
2 stalks celery
2 stalks scallions

Arr matey! Haul anchor and prepare for tasty adventure on the high seas! Chop yer vegetables finely and break the crab into bite-size chunklets. Toss these things in a mixing bowl from the galley and add yer mayonnaise and spices, stirring torrentially like the stormy sea. This delicious salad ought keep a mutinous crew at bay, and the vegetables'll help yer men fight off the threat of scurvy fer another day. Serve with grog.

The I-Need-To-Go-Grocery-Shopping Sandwich

The I-Need-To-Go-Grocery-Shopping Sandwich

1 egg
2 slices bread
The remnants at the bottom of a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese
A dash of Sriracha

Toast the bread according to your unique and personal taste. Fry the egg in butter, breaking the yolk and using a spatula to form the egg into a rougly bread-sized unit. Set the egg upon one slice of toast and sprinke the mozzarella atop it. Microwave for 20 seconds in order to melt the cheese. Add the Sriracha and serve. A handy snack to stave off hunger for one more day, this sandwich is packed with the protein and carbohydrates you need to work up the energy to walk two blocks to the grocery store so you can maybe start eating some goddamn real food again.

Sweet Potato Chips feat. Cinnamon

Sweet Potato* Chips feat. Cinnamon

1 sweet potato
1 tsp cinnamon

Slice a sweet potato crosswise into many disk-shaped slices as thin as you can make them without compromising their structural integrity. Coat them thoroughly with Pam® and sprinkle the cinnamon upon them. Mix them around a bit to achieve a relatively even coating of Pam® and cinnamon. Spread the slices evenly in a pan and bake in a toaster oven on 400º for 25 minutes, flipping once. Once a favorite food of the American south, the sweet potato has fallen somewhat out of favor due to its concomitant association with the Great Depression. However, there's nothing depressing about its vitamin-richness and high fiber content!


*N.B. Sweet potatoes and yams are not the same thing. Please do not call it a yam.

Breakfast Gone Wild

Breakfast Gone Wild

3 eggs
1 tomato
1/2 cup spinach
1 oz mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup milk
2 slices wheat bread

Stir the eggs and the milk together so thoroughly that they become an irreducible aggregate, wholly indistinct from one another. Butter a frying pan with an equal measure of thoroughness. Slice up the tomato and spinach into tiny pieces. Pour the egg/milk mixture into the pan, and heat on medium until the egg/milk mixture begins to solidify. Distribute the tomato, spinach, and cheese evenly atop the surface of the egg/milk mixture, and very carefully use a spatula to flip one side of the egg/milk disk along a diameter such that a half-circle is created, enveloping the tomato, spinach, and cheese entirely within*. When you feel that one side of the omelette is sufficiently heated, flip it over and continue to cook until all of the egg/milk mixture has solidified. Meanwhile, toast two slices of bread** and serve.

*N.B. For a proper "Breakfast Gone Wild," be sure to use at least twice the amount of tomato and spinach that will plausibly fit inside your egg/milk half-circle. The recommended amounts are sufficient for this purpose. This will allow for a difficult and unflippable mess that will truly "go wild" and resist any attempts at taming. For a more conventional "Standard Omelette," cut the tomato and spinach measurements in half.

**Another crucial element in a true "Breakfast Gone Wild" is toast that has been severely blackened, almost to the point of inedibility.

Tokyo Tofu Showdowm

Tokyo Tofu Showdown

1 pkg udon noodles with soup base
8 cubic in tofu
1 clove garlic
4 mini peppers
1 slice red onion
2 oz dried shiitake mushrooms

For fans of the Tokyo Ramen Knockout comes another exciting soup dish from the Far East. Boil three cups water and add the mushrooms, so as to hydrate them sufficiently. Meanwhile, cut the tofu, garlic, peppers, and onion into manageable chunklets and add them to the water along with the udon noodles. Boil these elements for three minutes and add the soup base packet included with the noodles. Stir thoroughly and prepare yourself for a showdown of flavors in every spoonful.

Two Buns And A Plum

Two Buns And A Plum

2 microwaveable bean paste buns
1 plum

Microwave the buns on a dish according to the directions on the package. Set the plum near the buns on the dish. Serve with tea if you're into that sort of thing.

Islandville, USA

Islandville, USA

4 oz coconut juice
4 oz mango juice
2 oz vodka
2 tbsp mango sorbet

Just in time for summer barbeques, this fun drink is sure to take any party to unforseen heights of relaxation. Simply mix all the ingredients in a glass, stir with a finger or small branch, garnish as desired, and serve. You'll find that the drink becomes even tastier as the sorbet melts, and its tropical flavors paint an island sunset in your mouth.

Vampire's Lament (with thanks to Heather Blackwell)

Vampire's Lament (with thanks to Heather Blackwell)

4 oz Trader Joe's spinach and chive linguine
18 cubic in tofu
2 cloves garlic
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp salt
1 dash oregano
2 tbsp vegetable oil

Boil 2 cups water upon the stove and add the pasta to the water. Meanwhile, pour the oil into a frying pan, render the garlic into tiny pieces, and disperse the garlic in the oil. Divide the tofu into equally-sized polyhedra and press each piece with a paper towel to remove any excess water. Once the garlic has begun to sizzle, add the tofu to the oil and fry it such that both sides become crisped and golden-brown. This is perhaps a good time to sprinkle it with the garlic powder. When the pasta has achieved a state of firmness which is to your liking, strain it with a colander and mix in the tofu, salt, and oregano. Garlic is the primary element in this dish, renowned for its tastiness, health benefits, and apotropaic properties.

Pancake Korner - Nannercakes

Pancake Korner - Nannercakes

1 cup pancake mix
1/2 cup milk
1 egg
1 tsp oil
1 tsp cinnamon
2-3 bananas

Our second installment to Pancake Korner is a comfort food classic, the Nannercake. Prepare the batter in the standard procedure, wherein the ingredients are thoroughly comingled in a bowl. Slice your bananas into smallish chunklets and mix these into the batter. Somewhat soft and gooey bananas are perhaps suited to this purpose, but may result in a difficult and messy pancake experience. Fry smallish blobs of batter in butter until both sides are crisped and golden brown. Serve immediately with hot coffee and a warm smile.

Standard Quesadilla

Standard Quesadilla

1 flour tortilla
1/4 cup shredded cheese
1 tsp blend of arbitrary spices

We've gotten a lot of mail this week to the tune of, "The TQ intrigues me, but I'm not much for fish. Is there a tuna-free option for me?" This special recipe is just for you, a T-less TQ. Heat up a frying pan and coat the inner surface of it with butter. Sprinke the cheese evenly atop the tortilla, and sprinke your blend of spices throughout the cheese in such a manner that a similarly even distribution is achieved. Feel free to get creative with your spices! Some options we recommend are cumin, tumeric, chili powder, black pepper, and MSG. Fold the tortilla in half along a diameter, and center it within the pan of butter. Fry until both sides are crisped and golden-brown. Once considered the "poor man's grilled cheese," the quesadilla is now recognized as a staple of international cuisine.

The Eel Deal

The Eel Deal

1 precooked fillet of eel
1 cup rice

The eel fish, often stereotyped as a loathsome and slimy creature, is actually magnificently tasty, due to its high fat content and natural barbecue secretions. Prepare the rice in a manner traditionally accepted as suitable for the preparation of rice, i.e. by cooking it. Meanwhile, in a microwave safe dish, microwave the eel fillet on high for three minutes. Place the eel on or near the rice and serve. One bite and you'll agree - the Eel Deal is the real deal.

EMP aka English Muffin Pizza

EMP aka English Muffin Pizza

1 English muffin
2 tbsp. tomato sauce
1/4 cup shredded mozzarella

Split the English muffin such that two roughly equal cylindrical halves are the result. Spread the tomato sauce equally and evenly among the two halves of the muffin, and distribute the mozzarella in a likewise fashion atop the sauce. Add vegetables or other standard pizza topping items according to your tastes. Toast in a toaster oven at 400º until the top is crisped to a degree that it resembles the surface of a conventional pizza. Your friends will marvel at the miniaturized simulacrum of a conventional pizza you have created, and lavish you with praise.

Frijoles Con Chips

Frijoles Con Chips

1 can baked beans
3 oz. corn chips

In a microwave safe bowl, heat the beans for 3 minutes. Pulverize 1-2 oz. of chips with a mortar and pestle or your fist and mix them into the beans. Use the remaining chips to scoop the beans from the bowl and deliver them to your mouth. This quick 'n' easy fiesta classic is always a hit, and a popular staple of Mexican Superbowl parties.

Pancake Korner - Chocolate Chip

Pancake Korner - Chocolate Chip

1/2 cup pancake mix
3/8 cup milk
1/2 tsp oil
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 egg
1/2 chocolate bar

We here at JA's Three Minute Kitchen love pancakes. They're fast, easy, fun, and nutritious. This is the first entry into our ongoing Pancake Korner series - the classic chocolate chip. Our special secret ingredient is cinnamon, a delicious spice made from the bark of the cinnamon tree, which is native to the nation of Sri Lanka. In a reasonably sized mixing bowl, combine the pancake mix, milk, oil, cinnamon, and egg, and stir heartily. Do not dismay if the batter has lumps in it - these will add a measure of fluffiness which is characteristic of the pancake. Break the chocolate bar into tiny pieces and stir these into the mixture as well. Coat the inside of a frying pan in butter, and pour a disk of batter into its center such that an approximately four inch diameter is the result. When bubbles begin to appear on the pancake's surface and its sides display a visible darkening of color, it's time to flip. A spatula is the standard tool for this task. Continue this procedure until all batter has been utilized. Best enjoyed with butter or syrup, the pancake is a versatile breakfast favorite that never fails to delight.

Khrushchev's AzN Vacation (with thanks to Nicole Savoy)

Khrushchev's AzN Vacation (with thanks to Nicole Savoy)

1 cup green tea
1-2 shots vodka
1-2 slices of lemon

Brew the green tea according to your tastes, and allow to cool. Add the vodka, lemon slices, and some ice. Sip this stimulating blend of cultures and contemplate the centuries of political turmoil that have coalesced into this refreshing, summery beverage. Goes great with the Tokyo Ramen Knockout.

Tokyo Ramen Knockout

Tokyo Ramen Knockout

1 pkg. ramen noodles (we recommend "Oriental Flavor")
1/2 cup dried shiitake mushrooms
1/4 cup broccoli
1 carrot

Bring 3 cups water to a boil, add the mushrooms and boil for 3 minutes. Cut up the broccoli and carrot into manageable chunklets. Add the ramen noodle brick and vegetables, and boil for 3 minutes. Let simmer until the desireable ratio of liquid to solid elements has been achieved, and add the flavoring packet inlcuded with the ramen noodles. Stir and serve. Inspired by classic Japanese ramen dishes, this flavorful and inexpensive meal is sure to fortify your day with vitamins and memories.

TQ aka Tuna Quesadilla

TQ aka Tuna Quesadilla

1 flour tortilla
1 can tuna
2 tbsp mayonnaise
1 tsp Old Bay Seasoning
1/4 cup shredded cheese

In a suitably sized mixing bowl, thorougly blend the tuna, mayonnaise, seasoning, and cheese together. Select a cheese which has historically proven itself to delight your palate, or experiment with something new. We recommend "taco blend." Spread this evenly across one side of the tortilla, and fold once along a diameter. Fry this in a thorougly buttered pan, until both sides of its surface are crisped and golden-brown. Enjoy this treat on a cool summer's day, close your eyes, and let its comingling of flavors carry you away to the exotic Mexican seashore.

Michigan Sunset (with thanks to Willie Wayne Smith)

Michigan Sunset (with thanks to Willie Wayne Smith)

1/2 cup coffee
1/2 cup gin

Pour over ice, garnish as desired, and sip dolefully. Successful in both stimulating and inebriating the senses, this evocative drink is somewhat more potable than one might think.

Trouble In Dallas

Trouble In Dallas

1 egg
1 cup white rice
A dash of tumeric
A dash of chili powder
A dash of black pepper
A dash of Sriracha

Cook the rice in a vessel suited to the purpose. Fry the egg sunny-side up, being diligently mindful not to break the yolk, as this will add a measure of gooiness to an otherwise dry dish. Mix the spices in the rice, and set the egg jauntily atop it. Sprinkle Sriracha in a balanced and even manner atop the egg. Layers of spiciness combined with a general absence of other flavors will make this a challenging dish for some, but highly rewarding for the adventurous.

The Fancy Elvis

The Fancy Elvis

1 flour tortilla
1-2 bananas
1-2 tbsp. peanut butter
1 tsp. cinnamon

Cover the bottom of a frying pan in vegetable oil and add cinnamon. For added sweetness, try brown sugar instead. Slice your banana(s) into 1/2" cylindrical portions and fry them in the oil/cinnamon mixture, until they are soft and gooey. Spread the peanut butter evenly in the center of your tortilla, and set the bananas atop the peanut butter. Fold your banana in the manner of a burrito, and fry this in butter such that the shell becomes crisped and golden-brown. Upon repeated eatings, this delightful breakfast item is certain to render you portly in no time at all.

Huevos Arriba

Huevos Arriba

1 egg
1 English muffin
1 tbsp. salsa
A dash of Sriracha

Toast the Engish muffin in the standard manner, and fry the egg to your pleasing. Shape the egg in the pan such that it fits squarely within the boundaries of the English muffin, and place it thusly in the center of said muffin. Add the salsa, and if extra spiciness is your desire, the Sriracha. A fun and festive snack suitable for any time of day.